


One Step at a Time

by exklusiv



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dorian the supportive best friend, F/M, First Kiss, Insecurity, Lyrium Withdrawal, Rating subject to change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-11 08:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3319997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exklusiv/pseuds/exklusiv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teddy Trevelyan has never known the love of a man.<br/>Cullen's going to have to forgive her stumbling and unsureness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's Stopping You?

**Author's Note:**

> A little collection of vignettes about the romance scenes with my female Inquisitor, Theodora "Teddy" Trevelyan and Cullen Rutherford. Maker love them.

“Andraste's flaming knickers, Teddy, if you don't make your move, I'm going to strip you naked and throw you at him.”

Teddy Trevelyan groaned and hid her face in her knees, ignoring Dorian's pointed and severe gaze. Maker, but of course the first person she'd become friends with in the Inquisition had to be the most meddlesome man in Thedas. And, worse yet, she couldn't even fault him for demanding satisfaction on her part. She had, after all, been a coward for days.

It was no secret between her and Dorian (as well as between several other nosy members of their party, like Varric and Vivienne) that Teddy was outright smitten for the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces. From her stumbling attempts at flirting and almost painfully awkward looks, Teddy was sure she had enough fire to go to Cullen directly and ask if they might progress beyond the blushing and banter and into something akin to a young relationship. The only thing she lacked was confidence.

“I have seen you go into his tower no less than four times this week, and each time you run out like Corypheus is chasing you. Fasta vass, woman, you can’t keep hiding like this!”

“It’s complicated, Dorian! There are so many things to consider, things that I cannot take lightly.”

“My ass.”

“Oh, come on, Dorian, please try to see this from my perspective! I’ve nowhere to go but forward, but I’ve never gone forward before. Maker’s breath, I’ve never even… I’ve never even held hands with a man, let alone been intimate with one!”

Dorian paused and looked down at his black-haired friend. “Truly? You’ve never done anything of the sort?”

“My family is devoutly Andrastian, Dorian, and I’m nobility to boot. I may have been an unexpected child, but my mother and father still made sure I was regarded with propriety. Bloody flames, twenty-two years old and I’ve never even _held a man’s hand_. What is wrong with me?”

“Overbearing parents, by my calculations,” Dorian said simply, leaning against a bookshelf. “What else is there to stop you, besides your own inexperience?”

“Well, our ages, for one thing. I’m nine years younger than he is, Dorian. What if he thinks I’m just a simple little girl and has been humoring me? I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“Someone humoring a silly little girl does not have that look on his face. I doubt age matters all that much to him. Give me another excuse.”

“What if I do something wrong?”

“Then you’ll learn how to make it right. Another.”

Teddy frowned. “What if he thinks my makeup is strange?”

“Everyone thinks your makeup is strange. But strange and attractive are not mutually exclusive. Sure, not many women wear black around their eyes and on their lips, but the look is not unbecoming. In fact, I daresay you were made for it.”

Teddy sighed. “Why can’t you just possess me and do this for me?”

“Maker knows I’d get it done faster.”

“Dorian.”

“Well, I would!” Dorian huffed and raised an eyebrow. “Listen, dearest Teddy. Do you know what the worst thing that can happen is?”

Teddy shook her head. Dorian smiled. “The worst that can happen is he can say no. If he does, you nurse the wounds and move on. But you will never know if you never do.”

Dorian held a hand out to her, waiting. After a moment, Teddy took it and let herself be hauled to her feet, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I suppose I can see your point.”

“So, go down there, and ask to speak to Cullen. If I know him like I think I do, he’ll be pleased that you approached him. And if you come running out, I’ll know,” he said, pointing towards the window in his alcove.

“Alright, alright! Maker’s breath,” Teddy said, fussing continually over her outfit and her hair. “How do I look, is my hair nice?”

“Your bun is perfect, as always, and your makeup is impeccable. Everything is nice and black. Go on, go woo the commander!”

Teasing, Dorian reached out and tweaked Teddy’s nose. Blushing, with her stomach jumping, Teddy walked down the stairs, her knees shaking at the prospect of speaking with Cullen about their budding romance. When she made it to the rotunda, she cut a wide arc around Solas, who had several papers spread out on the ground, with a book in his hands; some sort of research, she assumed. As she opened the door that led to the battlements of Cullen’s tower, a kind Elven voice spoke.

“I wish you luck, Inquisitor.”

Teddy mumbled her thank-yous to Solas and stepped onto the battlements, her heart pounding. The walk to Cullen’s tower took forever and no time at all; she pushed his door open with shaking hands, both relieved and terrified that no one was drawing his attention. Cullen glanced up at her as she entered, then did a double-take when he realized who she was.

“Inquisitor Trevelyan, it’s good to see you,” he said, straightening his back. “Was there something you needed?”

“I…” Teddy began, her voice shaking. She could almost feel Dorian’s piercing gaze from his window as she cleared her throat and started again. The worst he could say was no. “I thought we could talk. Alone.”

“Alone?” Cullen said quickly, and Teddy’s heart stilled before he continued. “I mean… of course!”

Gulping, Teddy led Cullen onto the battlements, walking with him in silence as she tried to find the words. He stayed as quiet as she, their footsteps the only sound as they walked past towers, unsure of where to go.

Teddy was almost positive Dorian was shouting at her from his alcove.

When they walked past the tower that connected to the tavern, Cullen spoke. “It’s a… nice day.”

“What?” Teddy blurted out, feeling stupid the moment she said it. She tried to remain composed as Cullen rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s… there was something you wished to discuss,” Cullen said, turning his attention towards her.

The moment was upon them, and Teddy had run out of excuses. Running now would just be in terrible taste. With a wild heart and lavender eyes so wide she was sure Cullen could see through them into her soul, Teddy spoke.

“I find myself thinking of you,” Teddy said, hands shaking. “More than… well, all the time, really.”

Her words felt immature and idiotic to her ears, and she wished she had said something better. With furrowed eyebrows, Cullen took a step from her. “I can’t say I haven’t wondered what it would be like.”

His words stirred a fervor in her. He had wondered, as well? Did he daydream, as she did? Did he spend his free moments thinking of her? A spiral of glee worked into her belly.

Following him, Teddy tried to still the quake in her voice as she said, “What’s stopping you?”

With her back to the broken battlements and Cullen in front of her, Teddy waited. Looking at her with still furrowed eyebrows, Cullen spoke. “You’re the Inquisitor. We’re at war, and you…”

Teddy’s heart began beating a tattoo against her ribs when Cullen stepped toward her, slowly closing the gap between them. The commander sighed, just the smallest exhale of frustration. “I didn’t think it was possible.”

Carefully, Teddy weighed her words. “And yet I’m still here.”

“So you are,” Cullen said, his mouth quirking up into a grin. “It seems too much to ask.”

The beating of her heart was going to shatter her bones. Cullen dipped his head and stepped even closer, his hands coming to her hips. Teddy’s veins seemed to be full of nothing but adrenaline as Cullen leaned in.

“But I want to—”

Teddy could practically feel her skin turning to fire. All her daydreams, all the moments she had imagined, becoming reality. Barely an inch stood between her and Cullen, a moment between her and her first kiss. Her eyes slid shut as her insides twisted nervously and the heat from his skin poured onto hers. She barely registered the sound of a door opening, then…

“Commander!”

It felt like Teddy had been doused with cold water. A deep, fearful ache set in as Cullen took his hands from her hips and she hung her head, old insecurities flaring up as the Inquisition soldier approached them.

“You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana’s report,” the soldier said, not looking up from the report board.

Cullen faced the soldier as Teddy tried to stem the burning blood in her cheeks.

“What?” Cullen growled, staring the man down.

“Sister Leliana’s report. You wanted it delivered ‘without delay.’”

Of course. Of course Teddy had interrupted Cullen’s work, caused soldiers to chase after him, stolen him away from his duty. She shifted her weight from foot to foot nervously as she outright refused to look at either Cullen or the soldier, her thoughts a mess of fear.

“Or… to your office… right,” the soldier said. Teddy saw him walk away in her peripheral vision, but made no move to invite Cullen back to her. Surely, he could see now what kind of distraction she would be, some silly little girl that was playing at a fairytale romance. Cullen had to see that his time was far too valuable for any of it to be wasted on her idle fancies. She had to give him an out. He was too polite to do it himself.

“If you need to—” the words stilled in her throat as Cullen removed any and all space between them, grabbing her jaw in his hands and pulling her into a searing kiss. Everything happened at once. She was fairly certain her heart went mad as her brain stopped working. The feel of Cullen, mouth slanted against hers, the scratch of his stubble against her skin, his strong hands holding her firm; everything overwhelmed her. She hadn’t even regained enough wits to kiss him back (Maker’s breath, her first kiss, and she might as well have been a statue!) when he pulled back, is expression bashful.

“I’m sorry,” he stammered. A small smear of black from her lipstick clung to his bottom lip. “That was… um… really nice.”

The use of the pause had her worried. She didn’t want him to lie for her benefit. “You don’t regret it, do you?” she said, her words almost slurring together in her panic.

“No! Er,” he said quickly, eyebrows going up. After a moment, his expression softened. “No. Not at all.”

He smiled and placed his hands back on her hips. A calm relief, mixed with the shaky giddiness of her fears vanquished and her romance officially begun, washed over Teddy as Cullen leaned in for another kiss. On the battlements, she didn’t care at all that any soldier could see them. All that mattered was that she had done something right, and Cullen was stealing her second, third, fourth kiss.

Teddy swore she heard Dorian cheering.


	2. Save a Dance for Me?

Teddy had found solace on the balcony outside of the grand ballroom in the Winter Palace. She’d had no worries about entertaining the nobility in Halamshiral; Free Marcher she was, but she knew how The Game worked and how best to make it work to her advantage. Her eldest brother Elias was married to a minor noblewoman from Orlais, and as much as the woman had disliked Teddy, she had still seen fit to make sure Teddy could not embarrass her in front of a group of Orlesian nobles.

What had exhausted Teddy was the running around and looking for things to incriminate would-be assassins and something to help Briala and Celene. She had no knowledge of what their history was but she knew what lingering love lost looked like and she was determined to make it right; sleuthing for the culprit had intermingled with sleuthing for a way to reunite the elf and the empress and her efforts had paid off grandly. The payment, however, was several down-turned noses, a stern look from Josephine, and the rippling memory of her mother’s voice scolding her for being late for the ball as the bells rang. The night had dragged on longer than it needed to, and Teddy was feeling it in her bones.

Her only consolation of the evening, of all things, was giggling to herself whenever she caught sight of Cullen, dear Cullen, surrounded by men and women who were trying desperately to flirt with him and were met with the emotional equivalent of a brick wall. She’d strode up to him, feeling silly in the red jacket that made Cullen look broad-shouldered and powerful, and had felt the nervous flutter of butterflies in her stomach when he’d informed her that hers was the only attention worth having.

He’d murmured it, but she saw no less than three of the women in his vicinity titter amongst themselves and begin gossiping behind their hands. Teddy had left him alone after that, scouting around the palace in the shadows, skulking around with Dorian, Cassandra, and Cole at her back. It was after Florianne had danced with her, speaking with her away from the ears of the court, that Teddy had gotten the idea to ask Cullen for a dance. Once off the dance floor and with her advisers informed of the unease Florianne had made her feel, Teddy had approached Cullen with her back straight, still delighted to see his followers were not leaving him alone.

Teddy had tried to sound as unimposing in her request as she could. All she wanted, after all, was to dance with Cullen at least once during the night.

“I don’t suppose you’ll save a dance for me?” she asked almost shyly, hoping she didn’t sound too eager.

“No, thank you,” Cullen answered shortly, barely glancing at her. Teddy’s hands began shaking and she immediately felt like a fool. Trying to keep her expression neutral and failing dismally, Teddy’s shoulders slumped.

“Oh.”

“No!” Cullen replied quickly, eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to—Maker’s breath. I’ve answered that question so many times I’m rejecting it automatically.”

Teddy tried not to look any more crestfallen as Cullen shook his head. “I’m not one for dancing. The Templars never attended balls.”

With a nod, Teddy had left him alone, calling together her followers to scour the palace one last time for any clue they could get. Dorian had reassured her that Cullen probably meant no harm by his words, and that he was just a hopeless idiot, but Teddy still could not shake the feeling of being unwanted, of being overlooked for her sisters or brothers. Her mind replayed his rejection of her request for a dance and connected it to the grand balls her parents had thrown, when she’d stood to the side in a dress and been ignored, when she had approached boys and been pushed aside for others. The nasty drop in her self confidence lingered as Dorian toasted her and congratulated her on saving the day as she walked onto the balcony, the lingering self-doubt dripping into her mind as Morrigan informed her she would be joining the Inquisition.

There, on the balcony, leaned against the stone railing, Teddy looked out over the city of Halamshiral and was glad for the quiet. A gentle breeze played with the loose strands of her hair as her body relaxed, the strain of the evening pulling at her muscles. As she relaxed and tried to keep her mind off of things, approaching footsteps mingled with Morrigan’s departing steps.

“There you are!” she heard Cullen say, his voice relieved. “Everyone’s been looking for you.”

Teddy looked at him as Cullen copied her relaxed posture and leaned on the railing next to her. He regarded her with an easy smile. “Things have calmed down for the moment. Are you alright?”

She was unsure how to answer. Physically, she was fine. She was, however, battling off lingering memories of rejected dances throughout her life and the fear that Cullen didn’t think dancing with her was a good use of his time. She mulled over her words, then sighed and looked back out over Halamshiral.

“I’m just worn out,” Teddy replied, her voice soft. “Tonight has been… very long.”

“For all of us,” Cullen agreed, smile still on his face. “I’m glad it’s over.”

Teddy didn’t say a word. She had no idea if having a flock of followers hanging on every word that was being said was exhausting or not. She imagined it had probably annoyed Cullen, at the very least. She’d been pushed into the back so often in her life she had no proper idea how to be in the spotlight without making a fool of herself. In truth, she was most excited about being able to write home about how she had wowed the Orlesian nobility at a ball without mucking anything up.

Cullen put a hand on her shoulder. “I know it’s foolish, but I was worried for you tonight.”

Teddy reached up and touched his hand, smiling halfheartedly at his sentiment. Inside the ballroom, the people began clapping appreciatively as the musicians began playing a waltz. Cullen smiled and squeezed her shoulder, getting her attention.

“I may never have another chance like this, so I must ask.”

Teddy watched him curiously as he took a step back from her; her heart leapt into her throat as he bent at the waist, holding his hand out to her. “May I have this dance, My Lady?”

“Of course,” Teddy said too quickly, feeling her cheeks turn pink as she put her hand in his. “I thought you didn’t dance.”

Cullen pulled her close and put his hand on her waist, mouth quirked up in a smirk as she put her hand on his arm. “For you, I’ll try.”

Slowly, with steps unsure, Cullen danced with Teddy, keeping a gentle hold on her as he glanced down at his feet every few steps. Teddy was sure that Cullen could feel her heartbeat through her clothes, or could see the excitement in her eyes. The dance was not perfect; Cullen was a good deal taller than she, and they both danced on unsure feet, but Teddy felt like she was floating anyway.

“You know,” she said quietly. “This is… sort of my first dance.”

Cullen looked down at her. “It is?”

Teddy’s belly twisted and her cheeks turned red. “I… have never danced at a ball before. I know how to dance, but… no one has ever danced with me before now.”

“Thank the Maker.”

“What?”

“If you’ve never danced with anyone else, you have no comparison for how terrible of a dancer I am.”

Teddy chuckled and decided that she’d done enough crowd-pleasing for the evening. Damning propriety, Teddy closed the space between them and leaned against Cullen, resting her cheek on his collar bone as they danced on the balcony. “I like dancing with you.”

Cullen chuckled, then pressed a kiss to her hair. “I'm glad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor, insecure Teddy. Will it ever get easier?


	3. Is This What You Want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit longer, and not quite so romantic, but Cullen's lyrium scene is ridiculously significant, even in a romance, and I think it's important to show Teddy reacting to it.

Initially, Teddy had been worried. She knew what lyrium could do to a Templar; her brother Xavier had shared his fears about the lyrium when he joined the Order, and had continued to share them as he completed his training and was assigned to a Circle. So, when Cullen had informed her that he had taken himself off of lyrium and no longer wanted to take it, she had her concerns, death being near the top of the list. She had the good graces to respect his decision, but the fear lingered for weeks. As she walked in the Fade at Adamant, danced her way to the heart of Orlais at Halamshiral, and as she traipsed around the Emerald Graves, running from giants and closing rifts, it was all she could think of. That is, when her thoughts were not stolen by Dorian complaining at her back and Iron Bull complimenting Dorian on his back.

Teddy and Sera shared glances and snickered every time Dorian blushed like a Chantry sister at every flirtation attempt. Varric was collecting bets on when Bull would finally convince Dorian to join him in bed; Teddy had put good coin into her bet.

When they finally returned to Skyhold, tired and sore from riding on horseback, Teddy chatted with Josephine about anything that needed her attention, greeted Solas as he mixed paints for his fresco, and went straight to Cullen’s tower, barely taking the time to change out of her traveling gear. She’d missed him dearly and was hoping to steal a moment with him, after nearly two weeks away.

She was, however, not greeted by Cullen, but one of his soldiers, who directed her towards Cassandra. Teddy made her way down into the courtyard, nervously playing with the hem of her shirt. As she approached the armory where Cassandra liked to spend time, Teddy heard Cullen and Cassandra nearly yelling at each other. With skills learned as a sneaky little sister, Teddy pressed her ear to the door and listened.

“You asked for my opinion and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?”

“I expect you to keep your word!” Cullen said, his tone unkind. “It’s relentless. I can’t—”

“You give yourself too little credit.”

“If I’m unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this!” 

Teddy bit her lip and stepped away from the door. Something was clearly wrong; if she had the opportunity to make sure Cullen and Cassandra were not going to start a verbal fistfight, she would take it. As she opened the door, Cullen snarled at Cassandra, “Would you rather save face than admit—”

Her presence cut his words off in their tracks. Cullen and Cassandra both looked at her, Cassandra’s eyebrow arched and her arms crossed. Cullen’s posture went from rigid and irate to suddenly defeated and ashamed. His shoulders slumped and he refused to meet Teddy’s gaze as he walked out of the room.

“Forgive me,” he said quietly. Teddy watched him leave; he wasn’t even out of the room before Cassandra spat more words out.

“And people say I’m stubborn. This is ridiculous.”

Cullen nearly slammed the door behind him; Cassandra turned her attention to Teddy. “Cullen told you he’s no longer taking lyrium?”

Teddy’s heart sank; she was hoping that Cullen was trying to pick a fight with Cassandra for literally any other reason. “Yes. He trusted your judgment on the matter.”

Cassandra sighed heavily. “He was not interested in my judgment today. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him.”

Before Teddy even had the chance to look as shocked as she felt, Cassandra continued on. “I refused. It’s not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He’s come so far.”

Teddy twiddled her thumbs. Xavier may not have stopped taking lyrium, but she still had some knowledge about what not taking it could do from their past conversations. “Why didn’t he come to me?”

“We had an agreement, long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. And he wouldn’t want to…” Cassandra cut herself off quickly, weighing her words before she spoke again. “…Risk your disappointment.”

Teddy tapped her foot, thinking. She knew Cullen was just as headstrong as Cassandra, and simply telling him he didn’t need to be replaced wouldn’t work so well. “Is there anything we can do to change his mind?”

“If anyone could, it’s you.”

Teddy’s eyes widened. She hadn’t realized that Cullen cared so deeply for her opinions; she was not used to people putting so much stock in what she had to say, even someone she cared for.

“Mages have made their suffering known,” Cassandra said, looking into the fire. “But Templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove to himself—and anyone who would follow suit—that it’s possible. He _can_ do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall.”

Teddy felt a great surge of pride for the amount of faith Cassandra had in Cullen. Teddy believed in him as well, but she didn’t know how others saw it. Hearing Cassandra talk praises of his abilities and his willpower made her heart soar.

“Talk to him,” Cassandra said, turning on her heel to leave the room. “Decide if now is the time.”

The weight of Cassandra’s words sank into Teddy and weighed her down like an anchor in a lake. Cassandra had proclaimed that she knew Cullen could break the hold lyrium had on him, but she was giving the power to Teddy, was leaving the decision up to her. It was up to Teddy to convince Cullen either way.

She had no idea if she could handle that.

* * *

Teddy did not immediately go see Cullen; her nerves were too jumpy for that. Instead, she went and saw Dennet first, helping him tend to her horse and mustering her courage. Working out what she might say in her head as she climbed the stairs, Teddy thought of her brother, still part of the Order but safely out of harm’s way, who had begged to become a Templar so he could protect their cousin when she had unexpectedly come into her magic. Cullen had told her his reasons for joining the Templars before, and they were so different from Xavier’s that Teddy wasn’t sure she had the right words to comment.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, Teddy pushed open the door to Cullen’s tower. She barely had a foot in the door before Cullen’s enraged shout echoed in the chamber as his lyrium storage box, so like the one Xavier had, went flying into the door, breaking apart as it crashed into the wood. Teddy tensed and looked wide-eyed at Cullen, caught completely off guard by his outburst. Cullen looked even more shocked than she did.

“Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter. I—” Cullen stammered. Teddy relaxed and tried to look as supportive as possible as Cullen shook his head and looked at the floor shamefully. “Forgive me.”

“Cullen, if you need to talk…” Teddy said, unsure of what else to say.

“You don’t have to— _ngh_.” Cullen took a step around the desk and almost immediately buckled, catching himself on the edge of the desk as he stood, in clear pain. Refusing to meet Teddy’s gaze, Cullen spoke. “I never meant for this to interfere.”

“I believe you,” Teddy said honestly, trying desperately to convey her understanding. She was not trying to antagonize him in any way.

“For whatever good it does. Promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them,” Cullen spat. Teddy watched him, eyebrows stitched up in concern, her insides jumping with nerves. She’d never seen Cullen under so much duress before.

“You asked what happened to Ferelden’s Circle,” Cullen said fiercely, turning to look at Teddy, his expression angry, like he might pounce on her at any moment. Teddy stood firm, with her heart racing, as Cullen spoke. “It was taken over by abominations. The Templars—my _friends_ —were slaughtered.”

A knot of fear solidified low in Teddy’s belly as Cullen walked over to the window; Dorian and Vivienne had described to her, in detail, what happened when a demon took over a mage. A whole Circle being overrun with them would have horrified her.

“I was tortured,” Cullen said; he was speaking clearly, but his voice sounded fight-or-flight, as if he was expecting to have the abominations swoop down on him at any moment. “They tried to break my mind, and I—” he let out a mirthless chuckle, looking up at the ceiling. “How can you be the same person after that?”

Teddy opened her mouth to speak, but found she had no words, so she stayed quiet, trying to work out a way to calm Cullen down as he kept talking.

“Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall.”

A chill ran down Teddy’s spine. He didn’t have to explain to her what had happened in Kirkwall.

“I trusted my knight-commander, and for what, hmm?” Cullen asked, his voice turning manic and hysteric. He was looking everywhere except at Teddy. “Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets.”

Cullen turned and looked straight at her; Teddy refused to break eye contact with him as he spoke. “Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

“Of course, I can, I—”

“Don’t,” Cullen said sharply, cutting her off quickly. “You should be questioning what I’ve done.”

With a sigh, Teddy put her hands on her hips as Cullen walked over to her, pacing between his desk and his bookshelf. “I thought this would be better, that I could regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t leave me.”

Teddy waited until Cullen was done speaking; any words she had would have fallen on deaf ears, anyway.

“How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause!” Cullen clenched his fists in front of his chest and began rocking almost madly. “I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry! I should be taking it!”

The built-up energy needed somewhere to go, and the bookshelf was closest; Cullen lashed out and hit it with a clenched fist, sending several books clattering to the floor. Teddy could see him shaking as he looked at his feet. “I should be taking it.”

It dawned on Teddy that she had been working on a way to keep Cullen off of lyrium because she thought that he was losing confidence in his restraint; in reality, Cullen was considering taking lyrium again because he was afraid of repeating his mistakes and reliving his shortcomings, afraid of being unable to shake the literal and figurative demons of his past. Cullen had placed the entire world on his shoulders and was starting to snap under the pressure of being the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces. He was reasoning himself into taking lyrium because he had assumed that’s what was best for his position.

“This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition,” Teddy said softly, moving to stand in front of him. “Is this what you want?”

Cullen glared daggers at her for a moment, his rage not yet subsided, before his expression softened and he relaxed. He sighed deeply. “No.”

His entire body relaxed as Teddy kept his gaze. He shook his head. “But… these memories have always haunted me—if they become worse, if I cannot endure this…”

Teddy placed a hand on his chest as he moved forward. Trying to convey as much acceptance and support as she could, Teddy spoke the only words she thought would help. “You _can_.”

Cullen exhaled slowly. Slumping his shoulders, he looked at Teddy with an expression that wore the color of his exhaustion, with dark circles and furrowed eyebrows. But with Teddy’s hand firmly on the breastplate of his armor, her expression comforting, he nodded. “Alright.”

Teddy smiled, reached up to gently touch his cheek, then departed, sensing that Cullen needed some time to sort through his thoughts. Cullen leaned into her touch and watched her as she walked out. Teddy stepped outside his tower, closed the door, and leaned against it, sighing deeply and rubbing the back of her neck. She suddenly felt pushy, demanding; she wondered if she had come across as uncaring towards him, or like she was ordering him to not take lyrium. Teddy had been raised to speak only when spoken to, and she was suddenly very overwhelmed with the possibility that she had put forth her opinion and her judgment where it did not belong.

She had Cullen’s best interests at heart, but she feared she hadn’t come across as such. Biting back nervous tears, Teddy walked the battlements to the tavern. Some time with Cole would help clear her head.

* * *

Teddy gave Cullen ample space in the days that followed his outburst. She figured he would need some time to sort through his own thoughts, and she needed to push down the feeling that she had been lording herself over him. After three days of unsure glances across the war table and three days of Dorian throwing balls of wadded up parchment at her to get her to cheer up, Teddy went to go see Cullen. She was intending to visit him in his office, but caught sight of him on the battlements near where they’d shared their first kiss. She gave each soldier a respectful nod as she passed them by, twisting her fingers together nervously as she walked up to him.

A passing soldier inclined his head as she walked up the stairs. “Inquisitor.”

She smiled at him as a breeze blew by, cold from the mountain but refreshing. Having heard the soldier address her, Cullen turned to speak to Teddy.

“I wanted to thank you. When you came to see me… if there’s anything… ah,” Cullen sighed, the sound of it nearly a chuckle, as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked away from her. “This sounded much better in my head.”

Teddy tapped her hand against her thigh, unsure of what to say. “I trust you’re feeling better?”

“I… yes.” Cullen seemed surprised at his own answer.

“Is it always that bad?” Teddy ventured, hoping she didn’t sound annoyed.

“The pain comes and goes.” Cullen looked out over Skyhold and seemed to be talking more to himself than to her. “Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there. I should not have pushed myself so far that day.”

“I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“I am,” Cullen agreed, smiling and turning back to the wall of the battlement, looking out over the mountains. Teddy walked up next to him, his calm demeanor setting her at ease. He looked at her with a clear expression. “I’ve never told anyone what truly happened to me at Ferelden’s Circle. I was… not myself after that.”

His gaze shifted back to the mountains; it was if they relaxed him. “I was angry. For years, that anger blinded me. I’m not proud of the man that made me. Now, I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It’s a start.”

Teddy wasn’t sure where to go with her words. She was still scared she’d made herself seem tyrannical in her insistence he stay off of lyrium. She decided that telling him how she cared for him would help ease some of that fear.

“For what it’s worth, I like who you are now.”

Cullen turned to look at her, astonished. “Even after…?”

Teddy almost gawked at him. She’d been nervous for days that she had broken something between them, and here Cullen was, insinuating that he thought he had damaged what they had. She almost couldn’t believe it.

“Cullen, I care about you,” Teddy said honestly, touching his arm. “You’ve done nothing to change that.”

Another moment of astonishment, then Cullen’s expression softened to something fond, something that made Teddy’s insides flutter. “What about you?” he asked, gesturing to her. “You have troubles of your own. How are you holding up?”

Her truth seemed like a fair trade for his. “Honestly, I’m terrified. So many people depend on us. On _me_. Corypheus is still out there.”

“We’ve made great strides. Do not doubt yourself—or the Inquisition—just yet.” Cullen gave her an small smile. “If there’s anything I can do, you have only to ask.”

Teddy took a step closer to him and linked her arm with his. “It’s peaceful here. Could we… stay here? Just for a few more minutes. So we can pretend everything is alright.”

Cullen chuckled and nodded. “I think we’re owed that much, at least.”

On the battlements, arm in arm with Cullen, Teddy felt at ease for the first time in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teddy you insecure little goth babu it's alright you and Cullen are fine.


	4. Is Something Wrong?

The path to Cullen’s tower was burned in Teddy’s memory; she barely had to look where she was going anymore. She walked through the rotunda, calling a greeting to Dorian and nodding at Solas, chewing absently on her thumbnail as she went over a report Leliana had given her. She never passed up the opportunity to see Cullen, to steal him away from his work and kiss him on the battlements, but today she actually needed to speak with him. Teddy required his advice on the report she was reading, as his was a fresh perspective.

Teddy bumped open the door to his tower with her hip, stepping through it and nudging it closed with her heel. She hadn’t even looked up from the report before Cullen was speaking to her.

“There you are.”

Teddy looked up in surprise, no longer chewing on her thumbnail. “Were you waiting for me?”

“Yes. I mean, no.” Cullen’s words were too quick and his voice was a stammer.

Teddy raised an eyebrow at him and gestured to the door with her report. “I can come back later, if you’d prefer.”

“No! Please stay.” Cullen closed his eyes, as if to fortify himself. “We have some dealings in Ferelden. I was hoping you might accompany me. When you can spare the time, of course.”

Teddy tilted her head curiously. “Is something wrong?”

“What? No!” Cullen shifted awkwardly on his feet. “I would rather explain there. If you wish to go.”

Cullen seemed too ill at ease for nothing to be wrong, but Teddy couldn’t quite pinpoint what was on his mind. Humoring him, Teddy shrugged. “I believe there’s time now.”

“I will make the necessary arrangements,” Cullen said happily, turning to walk out onto the battlements. He took two steps before turning back and looking at Teddy. “Is that… did you need to go over that?”

Teddy waved a hand and smiled. “We can discuss it on the way to Ferelden. Come get me when you’ve prepared our transport.”

Cullen nodded at her; Teddy walked back onto the battlement to the rotunda, thumbnail going back into her mouth as she puzzled over her report and over Cullen’s clandestine plans. In the rotunda, Solas regarded her with amusement.

“Is the commander not in?”

“No, he was, but now I have new plans,” Teddy said with a shrug. She looked up to the second floor, and saw Dorian leaning on the railing, looking down at her with a smirk. “Well, Lord Pavus. Care to accompany me as I gather some things for a journey to Ferelden?”

Dorian leaned on his hand. “That depends, Lady Trevelyan. Do I have to go?”

“I wouldn’t let you go even if you wanted to.”

“Delightful!” Dorian said, smiling grandly. “Wait for me down the stairs.”

* * *

The dealings in Ferelden were nothing like Teddy had imagined. Truly, the negotiations for small plots of land the Inquisition soldiers could camp on had taken less than half a day and could have probably been done through messenger. Teddy took the time that Cullen was occupied to wander about in the little village they were in, meeting with people and talking with them.

At sunset, Cullen took her by the hand and began leading her out of the village. “Come with me.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Cullen said, smiling like he had a grand secret.

The sun sank below the horizon when they came upon a lake with a simple dock. Cullen sighed and walked onto the dock as Teddy followed him, looking around.

“Where are we?”

“You walk into danger every day. I wanted to take you away from that. If only for a moment.” Cullen leaned against the post at the end of the dock. “I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet.”

“Did you come here often?” Teddy asked, looking at Cullen.

“I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head.” Cullen smiled and chuckled. “Of course, they always found me eventually.”

Teddy couldn’t help but wonder just how loud Cullen’s siblings were that he often felt he needed to be away from them at such a young age. “You were happy here?”

“I was. I still am,” Cullen said, looking out over the calm water.

Teddy stepped to the edge of the dock, looking at the rippling surface of the black water. It was almost hilarious to her, that the man who found silence preferable had fallen for the girl who had been taught to be silent her whole life. The trees on the edge of the lake swayed in the gentle breeze as lightning bugs flew lazily near the water’s edge.

“It’s beautiful,” she concluded, smiling. They stayed quiet, listening to the water lap at the docks while crickets chirped in the distance. The peacefulness of it all was astounding and appreciated.

“The last time I was here was the day I left for Templar training,” Cullen said finally, standing straight, with his hand held before him. “My brother gave me this. It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck.”

He regarded the coin in his hand. “Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.”

Teddy chuckled and thought of Xavier, and what would have happened if their devout parents had discovered he kept a lucky charm. “You broke the Order’s rules? I’m shocked.”

“Until a year ago, I was very good at following them. Most of the time,” Cullen replied easily, mouth quirked up in a grin. He turned the coin over in his hand. “This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn’t give me.”

Teddy, unable to keep the smile off her face, looked at the coin, then up at Cullen.

“Humor me,” the commander said, taking her hand in his and placing the coin in it. “We don’t know what you’ll face before the end. This can’t hurt.”

An enormous, overwhelming surge of affection rushed into Teddy’s heart as it dawned on her the significance of his gesture. The coin, the lucky coin given to Cullen by his only brother, was now in her hands, put there by the very person it had bestowed its luck upon. His most precious keepsake, and he wanted Teddy to have it.

Teddy couldn’t stop smiling. “I’ll keep it safe.”

“Good. I know it’s foolish, but… I’m glad.” Cullen placed his hands on her waist and pulled her close, pressing his mouth against hers. Teddy reached up and placed a hand on his jaw, giving her an anchor to focus on. The act of kissing had gotten easier with time, came a little more naturally to her, but the act of kissing Cullen hadn’t yet lost its original thrill. The gentle touch of his hands on her hips and the almost timid way he would slide his tongue past her lips sent her careening into the stars every time, his hands the only thing keeping her grounded.

When he pulled back from the kiss, Teddy chuckled as she moved her hand down his jaw and wiped the smear of black off his bottom lip where it had come off of her lipstick. Cullen snorted.

“You wouldn’t have to do that every time if you didn’t wear such dark lipstick,” he teased, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

“But if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to do this,” she said, standing on tiptoes and pressing her lips against his cheek. She giggled at the black lip print outline on his cheek, and at his exasperated expression.

“Maker’s breath, what am I going to do with you?”

Teddy looked down at her feet sheepishly as Cullen rubbed off the lipstick, her bottom lip between her teeth. With a gentle hand, Cullen tilted her chin up so she was looking at him.

“You always look down after you do something,” he said, tilting his head. “Or after you say something. Why is that?”

Her mood had shifted so fast that it almost knocked her off her feet. With a twist in her belly, Teddy scuffed her toe against the ground. Her cheeks turned pink and she looked to the side, head still tilted up. “It’s… just what I’m used to. Look down, keep quiet, be repentant.”

Cullen’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you afraid I’m going to be upset with you?”

Teddy’s cheeks turned a darker shade of pink. Cullen’s eyes went wide. “You… do. You think I’ll be angry with you. Theodora—”

“Teddy,” she reminded him. Cullen’s insistence on calling her her full name was usually endearing. Now, it just made her nervous.

“Of course, Teddy,” Cullen said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “Whatever has happened to you to make you think I’ll be continually cross with you for the things you do, I hope I can undo it.”

They were silent for a moment, then Cullen rubbed his thumb across her cheekbone. “All your official documents and reports have your name as Theodora. Why do you prefer Teddy?”

“Official business requires a proper name. It removes me from it a little, as well. When people think of me as the silly girl Teddy, I don’t have such expectations on me. Less of a chance to disappoint people.”

Cullen sighed and pressed his forehead against Teddy’s. “Maker’s breath, I have my work cut out for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to have to work night and day to show you how wonderful you are, so you don’t think these things anymore.”

Teddy squeaked and felt her cheeks burn from earnest blushing as Cullen wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a warm embrace. It might take work, she decided. But if it was with him, she’d try her hardest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the fucking sugary sweetness

**Author's Note:**

> [This is Teddy.](http://norcalnoise.tumblr.com/post/107492647725/a-few-clear-shots-of-my-darling-teddy-shes-the) She's lovely. And so insecure. I've written such a good back story for her, you guys will love it.


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